


The Almost Completely Accurate Historical Record of Lily and James Potter’s Life Before Death

by PetalsToFish



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas Presents, F/M, canon jily, this is Christmas crack posting at it's finest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21839959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetalsToFish/pseuds/PetalsToFish
Summary: Why on earth did Lily Evans Potter order a bottle of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion on December 22, 1976 with delivery to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry guaranteed on December 25, 1976?...And other important questions.
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	The Almost Completely Accurate Historical Record of Lily and James Potter’s Life Before Death

**By Petals Rosalind**

**Chapter 25: The Sleekeazy Receipt**

It has taken me years to compile all the little details that made up the tragic life and times of Lily and James Potter. I've played crossword with supposed murders, gambled with thieves and snuck into Hogwarts too many times to count. I've compiled letters, photographs and treasures. I've stopped at nothing to find out the truth about these two dead heroes and their life before Harry Potter.

One of the most interesting artifacts I found one rainy day happened to be a receipt at the owl post in Hogsmede. The receipt was written for Lily Rvans, who had made a last minute gift purchase of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion in December 22, 1976. Sleekeazy's Hair Potion isn't known for being cheap and Lily was always known for her luscious red hair.

So, my question was, why on earth did Lily Evans Potter order a bottle of Sleekeazy's Hair Potion on December 22, 1976 with delivery to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry guaranteed on December 25 1976?

It was a question that had me sneaking into Hogwarts School under guise of a student during a Hogsmede weekend. It took me digging through seven different cabinets and thoroughly trashing Mr. Argus Filch's Office. Finally, after three hours of searching I came across old Hogwarts detention records dated back to 1976. I found one that was most interesting, tucked away in a back dusty folder.

The record is copied as followed:

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

_From the Desk of Minerva McGonagall_

_December 21st, 1976_

_Detention Servers: James Potter, Lily Evans, Severus Snape_

_The three students are serving detention for setting fire to the third floor corridor christmas trees, binding Mr. Snape in boughs of holly and charming Christmas ornaments to ricochet off each other's heads._

I spent several hours interviewing Hogwarts Portraits, students and Headmistress Miverva McGonagall herself. It should come as no surprise, based on the other 120 pages of this biographical literature, that Lily Evans did not start the documented fight, she merely finished it.

According to the details given to me by an anonymous contributor in a rotting cell in Azkaban during my travels in 1993, Severus Snape attacked Mr. James Fleamont Potter on December 21, 1976.

Why would Mr. Snape attack our favorite Gryffindor hero?

To answer that question, I _could_ go into arduous detail about the many grievances that James held against Mr. Snape after six years of knowing each other, but, in order to save time and finger dexterity, I trust you (the reader) understands the basic characteristics that make up Severus Snape.

To put it very delicately, or not so delicately at all, Mr. Snape is a defensive, cynical, patronizing, cruel, hypocritical, pompous, greasy-haired racist. To find actual events that transpired between James and Mr. Snape look in index 2, 3 5, 6, 7 and 9.

For now, we will focus on this altercation, which took place after James allegedly called Mr. Snape a ' _foul-mouthed son of a Bitch_ ' in retaliation after Mr. Snape told Mrs. Mary Cattermole (née: McDonald) to quote ' _fuck off mudblood_ ' when Mrs. Cattermole asked him to donate to her fundraiser for orphans.

It goes without saying that Mr. Snape was a Scrooge until the day he died.

I have it recorded from several sources that Mr. Snape's heart was two sizes too small.

I also have many notes that describe his hair as greasy and unwashed, but more on that later.

According to reports, Mr. Snape fired a pyro spell at James who then deflected it into a Christmas tree, which obviously caught on fire. The two only dueled for thirty seconds more before more things caught on fire, including Lily's temper.

I attempted to contact Mrs. Cattermole for a better telling of this story but my search for the Cattermole's ran dry after a visit to the Ministry census. Mary Cattermole-McDonald was nowhere to be found on any register. As such, the next few events are taken from various retellings of the event Including two Hogwarts portraits who witnessed half of the fight before fleeing from the flaming Christmas trees.

According to reports, Lily used boughs of holly to wrap Mr. Snape up so tight he couldn't fire anymore spells. Then, with an annoyed flick of her wand, she sent ornaments from the trees in James' direction, making them continuously bounce off his head.

This is where the stories start mixing up.

Either Lily called James, _"a chivalrous idiot."_

Or, she said, _"a monkey did it."_

Another report states that she cried, " _not my credit!_ "

Seeing as there were no monkey's reported in the brawl and Lily Evans Potter had an excellent credit score, I have assumed that ' _a chivalrous idiot'_ is the correct phrase.

From this point, Minerva McGonagall, entered the fight. The then Transfiguration teacher assigned all three students a detention to be served that night. Professor McGonagall claims that the detention went off without another fight but doing what I do best, I discovered that after the detention Lily concocted a plan in her dorm to humiliate Mr. Snape for being…well...Mr. Snape.

I found a crumpled up piece of parchment amongst sugar quill wrappers at the bottom of a trunk at Lily's old childhood home. It was an ad for Sleekeazy's cut out of the Daily Prophet by Lily's steady hand. (Not important to this investigation but still important to note: this is also where I found Clothing Article B from Chapter 27).

Based on all the evidence piled together, it can be assumed that Lily ordered the Sleekeazy's as part of the scheme that was documented in the photograph below depicting Mr. Snape holding the bottle up in question while Lily laughs in the background, a devilish glint in her green eyes.

Several students reported that as soon as he realized what the bottle was, and read the message attached, Mr. Snape stormed from the Great Hall in a fury. I have spent many long years searching for that attached message. For a while, I was under the belief that an owl had mistook it for food and eaten it, until the small parchment was found in a box buried in the rubble at Godric's Hollow.

There, in Lily's beautiful cursive scrawl, was a poem I repeat to myself on my darkest days:

_You ought to use sleekeazy_

_It'll make your hair less greasy_

_It doesn't help fix being a fascist arse_

_but give it a try, it'd be quite the farce_

_To write 'your friend' would be very silly_

_So, Merry Christmas, from James & Lily_


End file.
